My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
