I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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