I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
