hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
