So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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