So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
