I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
