I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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