I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
