Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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