she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
