Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
