I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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