Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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