I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
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