OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Alive.
So much puke
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
