I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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