i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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