I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize