Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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