The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
