I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
