I can't watch pbs sober anymore
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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