I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
