How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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