Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I understand Curling. That high.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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