just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize