You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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