so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
