if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
