I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
