it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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