I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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