It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize