it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
