how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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