She is in my trunk
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
