You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
