Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
there is puke in my bra ... again
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