so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize