I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
