Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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