I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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