he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
