i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
