i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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