is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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