Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
