So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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