Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
my god I love twenty year old dicks
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
