so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
BRING THE BAGELS
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize