my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize