My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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