im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
