good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
