True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
