I puked a lego.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
